When life hits you with a brick # 1

If anyone wondering, how's my start of the new year going..

first day of work after being struck down by cold right in the middle of counting cash flow that almost drove me nuts...

the highlights:

"oh george, i think it is better you hear it from me than from someone else"

"do you remember my old choir friend, yushien"

"we sort of got together on new year's eve"

"I do"

"for a few months now"

I suppose that broke me down to pieces, I always thought I was ready for such news.. coming from her, the gurl that always make me can't differentiate between night and day..
there is no such thing of ever being ready...

I can't stop shaking, sadness, anger, jealousy... I am only human... don't get me wrong.. I love her, and I want her to be happy.. she is happy now, and I am happy for her.. it is just I don't think I am happy for me..

I am still shaking now, all the short conversation flashing back, I can't even close my eyes without feeling my heart beating faster, hand shaking.. and all the damned flash backs...

I am scared, I am afraid that I would become what I used to be, I want to believe in love, but now I am losing my faith again, maybe it is not for me.. maybe I would never find someone that is just for me.. It is pathetic.... I know but I am afraid that I will become cold again.. I am afraid I will build that wall again..

Please.... I need help.... I need hope.... somebody.....
please help me......

oh God grant me strength to deal with my troubles
grant me courage to face them
grant me patience so I do not act rashly
grant me wisdom so I can act wisely
and grant me peace so I do not begrudged them..

this is the moment of truth...

I think it is just God's way telling me to move on, it sure has His sense of humor and irony..

wish He doesn't have to throw that brick so damned hard.. but then again.. if He does not, I do not think I will get the message...

so hows my new year so far? fcuk that.. I still can't stop shaking..